You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
