Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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