OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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