the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
