I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
ttyl tear gas
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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