I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Houston, we have a squirter
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
