I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
