Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
