Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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