question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
