Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
