Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I FOUND THE LEGS
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
