Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
