I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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