Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
