He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
