i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
