i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
