I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
