Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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