i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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