I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
