i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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