aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
