I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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