So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
