I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
