my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
