I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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