i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
