Too much gin, very little bucket
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
