Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
