She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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