my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize