i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You're like the curious george of whores
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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