You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
