my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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