thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
