FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
