She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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