just tell him i said nine months
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
