How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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