i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
