so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
