I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
