Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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