Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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