yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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