He is such a slut. More and more my type.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
