Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
