My nipple is on Facebook.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
