Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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