Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
