my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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