I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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