How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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