party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
